Mungkin sudah saatnya aku berhenti  

Berhenti dari sebuah pengharapan.

Bahkan ketika ini aku sedang mencuba

Tapi untuk melupakan suatu nama juga kelihatan payah 

Padahal kamu kan sudah bahagia sama pilihan kamu 

Dan aku masih disini menyesal sendiri 

Kamu benar 

Menyesal itu tidak wajar kelamaan 

Justeru , aku pergi ya . 

Akhirnya perjuangan aku selesaj sampai disini saja. 

Aku tidak kuat   untuk menerima kenyataan 

Bahwa kisah kita itu tidak akan pernah wujud di alam nyata ini . 

Mungkin jika suatu saat , jika kamu tidak terlalu jauh untuk digapai . 

Akan aku usahakan semaksimal mungkin 

Untuk sebuah kita .

Tapi sudahlahkan.  

Ada noktah yang perlu diterima sekarang. 

Doa aku selalu untuk kamu . 

Selamat berbahagia 

Walau jalan kita tidak pernah sama . 

Lately i 've been thinking a lot . Tu la siapa suruh tidur lambat kan dah overthinking.Padan muka . Fikir tentang apa? You know ,  I think about my career , friendship , missing my deceased pet cimerlin and Jodoh . 

Yea jodoh . (Seriously) 

They said jodoh maut di tangan tuhan.Sounds cliche right ?

Seeing everyone already jumpa their own soulmate make me think " maybe i'm not ditakdirkan untuk punya own family dan keturunan sendiri " , " maybe ditakdirkan hidup sendiri sampai akhir nafas " kan .  At certain point i feel like i'll just saving money as much as i can so i wont cause trouble to anyone , then i can use it later when i'm getting old lol.  

Eh , maybe i should just use this time to make my parents , people around me and myself happy.  

Im not always thinking about jodoh . Not at all , but maybe lately i just realize that i have no one to talk to and share my bad day which hurts me a lot . 

But the worst part , when ada orang nak kenal with me , i feel tak suka pula .Terus cut. Tak terbuka hati nak kenal . Idk why i feel like heartless? Idk the right word for it . Tapi bila fikir balik maybe  i have my own reason why i feel this way.Trauma ? Trust issue ?  I do have trust issue since kena betray years ago :') . Idk la . Or maybe i still hoping for that person who i never can even approach . Funny right . Whatever it is , i hope this feeling faded away . I hope i can just spend my time freely without any worries with my hobbies . Lets hope so :) 

 Pov to myself

Dear myself ,

If only you know that  i'm so proud of you.  We did well bruh 🙌. Not much but at least we're still trying right ? Little do you know , we can sleep soundly already. No more crying till asleep feeling so hopeless , when the whole world already in a silent .  Keep thinking will there be a light for us at the end of the tunnel ?  Or should we just continue our sleep in the bubble deep down of the ocean . 

We did a good step you know ? 

We meet our old friends and created memories . I'm so excited  I'm glad also.  

We do miss them right ? But we keep deny it ! We keep saying they dont value us.  They just our past.  But guess what ? We are so wrong . They do miss us and still happy for our presence.  They not even fake it ! You should be thankful , Allah let you meet a very good friends . Who value you just the way you are . 

Lets preparing for next vacation with them okay ?So many things to do right ? I cant wait.  

Pat ! Pat ! 

Hey dont worry ! Dont ruin your happiness with that small worries in your heart . 

Sooner or later we will getting what we want . We do.  We surely get it. I promise you . You just have to wait and dont stop improving yourself , okay ?  Dont worry its your timeline not them . No race . Dont comparing anything okay ? We do fine and great.  Let prove it :) 

Random thoughts : " i realize , with no expectation we do living more freely .

somehow i'm glad on how i think right now. 

the sounds on my head literally decreasing. 

i capable to make a right decision even its take way longer than before ( i kinda annoyed with myself in these part) . ''

Hi guys , i think its not too late for me to wish salam Ramadhan to all my muslim friends ! Hows your ramadhan ? 

For me these ramadhan shows the other side of me , i bet i become more independent. Congrats, dearself . I do enjoy going to bazaar with my clique. 

Hey ! do you know , i do shift my focus  on deco my room to make it more aesthetic.

I need a new fresh haish .

A better room so i can happily take my nap and spend my day gaming all day long oso can. 

welp imma introvert 

I prefer to stay on my room rather than be in public. 

Other than deco my room i also plan to go travel  each month , 

I want to meet all my old friends and make memories with them . 

Last month , i went to Kuala Lumpur to meet my friends , we never meet each other since 2018 . Well i do skip graduation ceremony due to certain issues . We never meet for ages but we not even feel awkward towards each other . We spoke freely and maintain with same attitude . I'm glad ! For real . 

I might make a short entry about my small reunion ( if i'm not forget) . 

Well , until then 

Thank You for reading :) 

Hi guys how have you been ? Hoping for us to develop some good attitude since its already a new year. I know what a typical new year wishes .Boring .   Joke on me . I just hope for 2024 that  i will reduce my intake in junk food and hello who just drink chocolate drink at 12.34 am ? ''Me ".  May everyone have a good day neither . 

So ,  back to the topic 

'I want to live ....' 

You know what ? 

I use to think that maybe this world aint mean for me . Maybe i'm totally different and I wont fit  anywhere . I used to think that way in a long period of time . Lets called it as ' at the lowest phase of myself ( which i believe everyone facing these) . Struggling . 

But hey , dun worry . I'm not depressed or anything related to that . I just having flash back on how damage i am before these.

Right now instead of ' I dun fit here ' its been replaced  to ..' I dun care i'll just living the way i want ' . I think the main reason i fall into that 'trap of negative thought ' is because of my  people pleasing behavior . SHAME ON ME  . I care too much about what others think about me . I care and keep thinking about it . Their mean words only make me simply admit it without having second thought. Having  a toxic circle and non supportive people around us  can be so dangerous right ? 

For those who related with what i'm saying just now, dont worry you not alone . You know what ? You're the author on your own story . You sail your own ship . Not them . They just  anta ganist in your story thats passing by and will be forgotten . You  will shine in your own way . It takes time for sure ,but sooner or later you'll be fine . Trust me . 

Out of nowhere , I have these thought , 'having a new hope with the  same way of thinking , wont change any , you just self sabotage yourself  over and over again while hoping for the different ending.Thats such a waste of time right ? In the other example , blaming others instead of improving yourself wont giving you a good ending. So keep moving and have a good self talk . I'm not lying self talk do help a lotttt . Please do love yourself more  because if you dont , who will ? 

Till then , and keep breathing :) .